I am going through a normal day and begin to feel “different.” I pretty much brush it aside and continue throughout the day. Then I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. I panic. Could I be? Surely not. A few days later, I feel horrible pains in my lower abdomen. A few hours later, I’m left with the reality that I have just miscarried……again. I wish I could say this wasn’t a familiar tale with me. The truth is that I had gone through the same thing just five weeks earlier and again a few years before. The pain ran deep.
Many were skeptical. If fact, some just didn’t want to believe it at all. They wanted to say it was just leftover from the previous miscarriage. I knew in my gut I had definitely lost anther child….or 2. You see, whenever I miscarried (all 3 times at home naturally) I saw small sacs. Not one but two. My suspicion was heightened whenever I went to the doctor to get my HCG levels checked out a couple of days later to be sure it was indeed a miscarriage I had experienced. My levels were extremely high. The nurse said that they shouldn’t have been that high a couple of days after a miscarriage. The doctor said that perhaps I had experienced intense implantation instead and that I was pregnant! HOPE!
I had to wait 2 long dreadful days to get my levels checked again to see if they had risen or fallen. I’ll never forget getting that call from the nurse saying that the levels had dropped and that I had experienced another miscarriage but this time, twins. I fell to the floor in tears.
I was stunned….speechless….confused…..heartbroken. I was still dealing with the pain of the last miscarriage and the ongoing void from my first miscarriage. I didn’t have any more room inside to hurt. What made matters even more confusing is that I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I miscarried. WHAT IS GOING ON INSIDE MY BODY! I panicked. So many questions spiraled through my head.
Will I every be able to have a baby?
Is my husband disappointed in me?
No one will understand.
How could I be so unlucky?
wanted needed encouragement. Some close friends and family were there for me but many just didn’t know how to respond so they didn’t. (Worst mistake you can make by the way. But that’s a subject for another blog.) I felt like somewhat of an outcast. I mean, who goes through that?!?! No one could possibly understand. I felt doomed to stay in a dark pit forever.
Well, it’s been five years since my last miscarriage. I’ve lost four babies and now have 2 sons sleeping in the next room. I’ll admit I was somewhat conflicted whenever I had my first son. It wasn’t until I held Ethan for the first time that I really understood what I had lost. I’m sure I’m not the only woman to ever feel this way. Holding him was like holding my other babies for the first time too. I could just imagine their sweet faces. But I had to embrace Ethan as Ethan. And I did.
I still have days that I think about them and wander how different my life would have ended up if they were here.
I have days of sweet anticipation knowing I’ll meet them some day.
I still have days that I cry.
I have days that I see them in my boys and am filled with joy.
I still have days that I throw my hands up in the air and just grrrrrrr get so conflicted with the two God allowed me to keep.
I know that they were fearfully and wonderfully made. They had a huge purpose in my life. I love them to the moon and back!
The reality is that there are so many families that experience a loss. Did you know that 1 in 4 women that get pregnant will experience a miscarriage? Maybe you are the 1 in 4. If not, you definitely know a woman that is. Countless others (maybe you) have lost a baby in other ways. Many grieve in silence.
Silent Plea Ministries is something I started in response to what I experienced. It exists to offer on-going support and encouragement to families quietly going through the loss of a baby alone. In addition, I desire to equip churches to care for these families with the love and grace that only God provides. I hope that through this blog and other avenues of Silent Plea Ministries that you feel supported, encouraged and filled with hope.
If you would like to become a part of my ministry please provide your email address at firstname.lastname@example.org. Also, if you have experienced a loss, include the date of your loss along with names when applicable. I want to remember them with you. I also have a FACEBOOK PAGE.
If you are interested in having me speak or host a candle vigil for your community with your church or organization, you may also email me. I welcome any opportunity to minister to families and raise awareness.
And so begins the journey of blogging with you all.
Grace and Peace,
Melissa Reddin 🙂
Copyright 2013 Melissa Reddin