Here are examples of things not to say to someone that has lost a baby and also a little insight to what they might be thinking when they hear them.
I wanted THAT pregnancy. I wanted THAT baby.
2.) It was for the best. They were sick.
So the pain I feel is for the best?
3.) Your baby is in a better place.
Well, yeah, okay. But I want it to be with me……
4.) God must think you’re strong. He won’t give us more than we can handle.
Then He is mistaken because I am weaker than I’ve ever been. I cannot handle this. (1 Corinthians 10:13 says: “……He will not allow the temptations to be more than you can stand…..” There will be things in this broken world that break us. But he does supply us with every thing we need to do His will. (Hebrews 13:21)
5.) This too shall pass.
No it won’t. As long as I am breathing I will miss this baby. Grief does not just pass.
6.) God has a plan. He’s in control.
I know He is in control. I believe that. But if Jesus can weep so can I. (John 11:35)
7.) Everything happens for a reason. God see’s the bigger picture.
And, what, are you saying that God wants me to just trust Him and not grieve???
8.) At least you weren’t further along.
I love my baby. I miss my baby. I can’t believe you don’t get it…..That was MY baby no matter how small.
What do you say? Honestly saying “I’m so sorry” goes a long way. Don’t compare and don’t try to fix. Just love them as they grieve. Offer to bring them a meal. If they have children offer to watch them so they can have some space to grieve. And one of the best things you can do is acknowledge their baby even after it’s been a while. When we’re not the ones enduring the pain it’s easy to forget. Well, they do not forget. The intensity of grief comes and goes in waves. Our compassion should be consistent.
So the next time you are in conversation with someone that has lost a baby remember the loss with them. Acknowledge their pain. Give them space to talk about it. Listen and listen some more.