– New Grief –

Baby Reddin Meet Baby Reddin. In May I found out I was pregnant. This was not a planned pregnancy but every child is a blessing! My husband and I, although anxious about how we would get ready for it, were excited about having another child. Because I have had 3 previous miscarriages we were cautious. I got on my Progesterone right away and that boosted our confidence tremendously. Still I waited until we saw a good strong heartbeat for a couple of weeks until we told the boys. Ethan, my almost 5 year old, was so excited! Of course my toddler didn’t really have a clue what was coming. That same day we announced it on Facebook. There was much celebrating!! 🙂

I went in for another sonogram on June 27th and this time brought Ethan and Nathaniel. Ethan was so excited to see the baby on the big screen. The technician got me prepped and began the sonogram. Immediately I knew something was wrong. The above picture was a week earlier and now you couldn’t even tell it was a baby……he/she must have died a few days before the sonogram. There was no heartbeat found. Ethan asked excitedly, “Did we see the baby?” I just answered, “Yes, we did!” I didn’t want to take away that moment from him.

The celebrating stopped…..in fact it felt like my life froze and so many thoughts and feelings flooded within me.

Again, God?!?!

But I was taking my Progesterone……that was why I lost the others!

I can’t go through this again. I just can’t.

How am I going to tell Ethan?

After I got the boys into the car I wept and wept and wept. After I could catch my breath I called my husband. I said, “The baby is dead!” Ethan wailed behind me in his car seat, “NO! But I wanted to meet the baby!!!!” I will never forget the way he said that. My husband and I decided we had better explain things to him right then and there. I put him on speaker and I explained to Ethan that the baby died in Mommy’s belly and that we wouldn’t be able to bring this one home with us like we did his little brother. And that it was in heaven with Jesus.

The past 3 months have been extremely difficult. I miss my baby. I love my baby. Some would say that being only 8 weeks pregnant would make it easier. Or the fact that I’ve been through this 3 times before would mean that I am a pro at this whole losing a baby thing. Well it’s not easy. No one ever gets numbed to a loss. Each one is a new, fresh grieving process.

With October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month I wanted to share the newest chapter to my story. If you’d like to read more about my story go here to read a previous blog post. Why do I share this with people that do not know me? Because 1 in 4 women that get pregnant WILL have a miscarriage. How many women do you know that have been or are pregnant? My guess is that it’s way more than 4. There are so many other women that have lost a baby in a different way.

Maybe you are one that has experienced a loss. Are you silently grieving? Please know that you do not have to be alone in this. Tell someone you are comfortable with about your pain. Allow others to grieve with you. It’s then and only then that you will get the support and encouragement you need.

Email me at silentpleaministries@hotmail.com or reply how you specifically need prayer right now. I love you all and want you to know that I am remembering your babies with you this month and always.

Grace and Peace,

Melissa

Copyright 2014 Melissa Reddin

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4 thoughts on “– New Grief –

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss. I had an ectopic pregnancy in April and it was the hardest thing I’ve been through. Some days I just can’t believe it happened and I’m so shocked. It is horrible that women have to go through this and even more horrible that we feel we need to keep it to ourselves.

    • I am so sorry you had to endure that kind of a loss. That must have been so hard. And, yes, it IS a horrible thing that women feel they need to keep their grief to themselves!

  2. I too am grieving my fourth loss. We only started trying for a baby last November, but since then it has been a rough road. I had an early loss in January (my family doctor called it a chemical pregnancy, my OBGYN said we call it a miscarriage because we don’t know in that four week span when we actual lost it.) Then in March I suffered a tubal at 6 weeks. Two quick injections later we had lost our second pregnancy. In July I had another miscarriage at 5 weeks. Then in September, another tubal, same tube, this time it ruptured at 5.5 weeks causing excruciating pain and I had surgery to remove my left tube. I am an RN so initially I was in “handling the facts” mode. I prayed for each of these pregnancies. I was heading to my OB to start progesterone the day we discovered this last tubal. I saw that tiny little “alien” baby the size of a poppy seed (both this time and in March). My comfort is in Christ and his promise to prosper those who are faithful. But everyday is a struggle to give it to Him. We have yet to hold our child or even hear it’s heart beat. But my four tiny angels are in my heart and I love them SO much. I grieve with you. I pray for comfort and God to continue to bring people into your life everyday to remind you how much HE loves you. Thank you for all you do just by sharing your heart. I have been praying to find a ministry like this. I think it’s especially hard sometimes because the people we usually lean on in hard times; our spouses, friends, and family; can’t grieve with us the way we are grieving. My husband is a fixer and if he can’t fix it, he just does his best to try to make things normal. But I’m not normal right now. And normal seems unattainable. But I know he grieves too. It just feels so much deeper for me. My body knew there was life in me, my heart knew it, my mind knew it… Then it was gone. It’s not a quick thing to heal from. Even though I did not have outward scars until now, each has left my body and my heart scared. We heal. But we do not forget, and we are only whole through Christ.

    • Amen, Ashely. We are only whole through Christ. I know that He grieves with us. My heart aches for you. I applaud your unwavering faith in God even in the midst of such a trial. I will be praying for you as you walk through this process. I am remembering your babies with you today as it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Be sure and light a candle for them from 7pm-8pm for the Wave of Light Event. Hugs!!!!!!!!

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